Emotionless, I sit here 

In hopelessness, how did we get here?

I've cancelled all my plans, no more photoshoots, no more work.

No more late nights out, everything reminds me of you so everything hurts.

I don't want to be around everyone, every one of these memories hurt.

No more giving advice, I have no more answers in life.

When a mother gives a baby her womb to grow in, why sometimes they watch them go first?

I don’t want to remember those screams or that look on my mother's face when she lost her first baby, 

Because her pain is so deep and it haunts me, and it’s scary and it’s crazy.

The regret of everything she didn’t say. 

Or worst, the regret of everything she did say.

Its been two weeks and her midnight screams are keeping me up.

And all my 3am dreams will not let up.

So I pour the poison into my cup.

And I hide the evidence so no one knows what’s up.

And when that’s done, another one.

Another one I say again, until it aint fun.

Until my body is rejecting the fluids and throwing it up.

Another one, I cry.

I want to die, I cry.

But then a knock at my door.

A girl with pretty soft aqua eyes, and a voice even softer.

I realize, I lost you but I have her.

The loss of a sister, but I still have my daughter.

I have to get up from this floor because I am a mother.

Folding inside myself, holding babygirl’s hand, looking over your body at the altar.


Mag Mercado